You know me - I believe life is not a race - so I think you’ll forgive me for posting my Marriage Monday reflection on Tuesday. I’m so determined start a dialogue about marriage that I’m committed to attempting a weekly post about it.

I just….haven’t been able to do it regularly yet.

This week, I’ve been reading Flux, by Peggy Orenstein and I came upon a paragraph that mirrors feelings I’ve had about my husband that I hadn’t been able to put into words. The emphases are mine.

As I turned back to my computer screen, Steven came in, bearing a bowl of udon, a kind of Japanese noodle soup, for my lunch. He set it down beside me, then quietly left the room. It was a small gesture, but I realized that in our relationship, those gestures were usually his. He was the one who worked the garden, who cooked, who found special things to display on the walls. He had made our home a sanctuary. It occurred to me that he was the kind of person I wished I were: the kind who could be accomplished in the outside world yet create a cozy environment at home without either role threatening the other. He had found the balance that I lacked. The longer I was married to Steven, the more I appreciated what he brought to our relationship. Ironically some of his strengths are those most associated with women. Through him I was slowly learning that I could have connection without submission, domesticity without a betrayal of self. Those lessons did not come easily to a woman whose feminism was built on the primacy of autonomy and achievement, who saw any step toward traditional spheres of femininity as backsliding. I write about women, but it took a man to teach me this.

Wow! This blew me away. I feel so fortunate to have met a man who is as unconventional as I am. Just as I’ve not been overly comfortable discussing certain “women’s topics” such as purses and shoes, he’s never been really comfortable talking sports. I remember him telling me in the beginning that he didn’t believe in traditional gender stereotypes (Boy, did I score when I met him!) and I’ve been well aware that knowing him has changed me, but I didn’t realize that his nurturing actions could have so profound an effect on my perception of myself as a woman.

Like Peggy, I grew up thinking that “any step toward traditional spheres of femininity as backsliding.” For much of my life I saw taking too much of an interest in such things as cooking and sewing as moving away from my opportunity to reach my potential. I grew up with the belief that I could and should “do anything” (that is, anything that wasn’t traditionally “women’s work”). I rejected the idea that I should sacrifice myself for a husband and children.

I think I’ve developed this blog as a way to address my ambiguity about these issues. I’m obsessed with the idea of the housewife - how I’ve never wanted to be one - how I’m beginning to question what it actually means to be one in the 21st century, now that women are no longer stuck “inside,” but are always connected to the rest of the world through the internet, continually networking and creating new definitions of “work.”

My husband’s generosity and care for me reminds me that caring for a family and making my home a sanctuary from the outside world is pretty much what gives my life meaning. Work is important in my life, and it has brought feelings of accomplishment and confidence that nothing else has, but it doesn’t have to be mutually exclusive of settling into domestic life with my life partner and future children.

The fact that my husband - a very accomplished man - can cook, buy plants for the house, be the one who remembers to water said plants, garden, and get excited about buying a vintage rug for the living room, proves that I can do such things without giving another thought to what it says about my gender or my potential to be “successful” in this world. Cooking for my husband (and myself) or packing his lunch, does not undermine my autonomy or my or my ability to “be accomplished” outside the home.

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In my fight against clutter, I’ve begun with my emotions. As I mentioned a couple of posts ago when I began my Clutter Kick Campaign, CLA (Clutterers Anonymous) asserts that there are three components to cluttering: physical, emotional, and spiritual.

Which brings me to last night. As you may know, I’ve been trying my darndest to make positive changes in my life. I’m trying to kick bad habits and replace them with good ones. But yesterday evening I was feeling particularly down. I was in a state where I was creeping closer and closer to tears, and really, really, really, wanted to lay on the couch and order take-out rather than cook dinner. I was dangerously close to wallowing in Do-Nothingism.

What is Do-Nothingism? It is the odious state in which you feel so bad you can’t bring yourself to enjoy or do anything - it is procrastination’s nefarious cousin. David D. Burns, M.D. wrote a very influential book that I’ve been reading this week, called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Dr. Burns and his colleague, Dr. Aaron T. Beck, are pioneers of the revolution in therapy that is Cognitive Behavior Therapy. They discovered, through much documented research, that there is an undeniable connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and that you can improve your mood by improving either your thoughts or your behaviors.

Dr. Burns has worked throughout his career with severely depressed patients who can’t even bring themselves to get out of bed. In his books, he demonstrates techniques for combating this severe form of doing nothing, which tends to lead you on a downward spiral of depression. He has proven that doing nearly anything at all will undoubtedly make you feel better than not!

So, I decided to take Dr. Burn’s advice and Do Something - Anything! I went to the store and bought a few ingredients to make a stew from The Eat-Clean Diet Recharged.

Simultaneously, I examined my thoughts:

“I hate cooking.”

“Cooking is hard.”

“Life is hard.”

While chopping the potatoes, carrots, onions, garlic, and brussels sprouts, I marveled at how easy this was. If broken down into components, cooking is really just a series of very easy steps! Right? And, though I felt fatigued and wanted to curl up in the fetal position and eat ice cream, I couldn’t deny that the closer my stew came to being finished, the better I felt. I mean, I was still very, very tired, but now I had a delicious stew to nourish that tired body!!! Score!

In the end, I had one of the best stews I have ever made, which I will absolutely make again. In fact, I’m certain that I will make it often enough to do so without a recipe.

Now I do feel better than I would have if I’d done nothing. I feel pride that I served my husband and myself a delicious meal (and this on the night before he had to take his Step 3 Medical Licensing Exam).

And if you want to make this delicious stew, it is really easy:

I used four organic russet potatoes, three large organic carrots, one onion, three cloves of garlic, and eight brussels sprouts, all chopped. I sauteed these until they were tender while boiling a cup of French lentils in a separate pot.

Then I added a magical combination of spices:

1 teaspoon each of turmeric, cumin, ginger, and coriander, 1/2 teaspoon of allspice, and a dash of cayenne.

Once mixed in, I added four cups of low-sodium veggie broth, sea salt, and the lentils. I let it simmer until it tasted ready to eat!

So, the next time you are feeling like wallowing in do-nothingism, remember that actions can change both your thoughts and your feelings. I believe that this observation is so incredibly life-changing, that I made this handy little diagram for you to picture when you’re feeling down. Cheers!

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My sister sent this to me. She’s a mom of four and can no doubt relate to this on levels that I can’t. But, I think it’s pretty darn funny. It’s pretty good for a laugh on a Sunday night. Actually, you’ve probably seen some of the short versions of this if you’ve been watching the olympics, but this version is better.

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How do I even blog under these conditions?!

It is time to begin my Clutter Kick for the year of 2010. I decided on Clutter Kicking instead of Clutter Busting, because it sounds fresh and new to me, and I need that feeling to get going.

Like many others, I’ve searched for answers in the past, but haven’t yet been able to implement them in my life. For instance, the FlyLady method asks you to “shine your sink every night” and I have NEVER been able to accomplish that. Perhaps if I come a this from different angles, I’ll finally be able to do that. Also, I’ve gone onto various websites devoted to organizing and they tend to make my throat squeeze up and give me anxiety. That isn’t helpful in getting my house in order! There is something deeper within me that I need to address.

So, for the rest of 2010, I’m going to explore Clutter Kicking ideas from Flylady.com, Clutterers Anonymous, Messies Anonymous, and where ever else I find useful ideas.

Today, I’m reading and pondering the ideas found in the first two brochures from my CLA kit that I received months ago.

The first idea that CLA presents is that the “dis-ease” of excessive cluttering is threefold - physical, emotional, and spiritual. Instead of giving organizing advice, they focus on providing support for facing the underlying causes of the self-destructive behaviors of cluttering. Like in AA meetings, when you go to CLA meetings, each person introduces him or herself with the phrase,

“Hi, my name is ____________________ and I’m a clutterer.”

Here are the Three Components of Cluttering, paraphrased from CLA’s Welcome brochure:

• Physical: The behaviors that result in the stacks, piles, and objects that fill our homes, cars, and workplaces.
• Emotional: The fog we create in our heads - resentments, unfinished thoughts, emotional baggage, daydreams, worries about the future, regrets about the past. With our minds in a constant spin, we lose today because our time is spent living in yesterday and tomorrow.
• Spirtitual: The deep emptiness we feel inside - that we compulsively try to fill by clinging to useless objects, nonproductive ideas, meaningless activities, and unstatisfying relationships.

Those who join a CLA group make a Responsibility Pledge:

I pledge to stretch out my hand and heart to those seeking help from our compulsion. Together we will ensure that CLA is here for us and all those who follow in our footsteps. And for this I am responsible.

© Paul Foreman, http://www.mindmapinspiration.com/

I like that! I know that when my family pulled together to help my mother this past Christmas and over the summer, I felt a deep empathy for those who are going through this without help or understanding. I am not a hoarder, but my clutter interferes with my happiness and serenety - and my ability to have people over! Whenever I make an improvement, I want to share my experience with others who might find it helpful.

So here I am! I’ll be sharing my successes and explorations in de-cluttering for the rest of 2010 and beyond.

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I’ve been having a rough few weeks. As you may know, depression runs in my family, and it’s something I struggle with from time to time. I’m managing it well and I’m a positive thinker (you may find that hard to believe when you read the rest of this post!) but still I struggle at times. Currently, I’m just feeling run down and fatigued. This has been the year of small illnesses for me, and my body and mind need time to recover. I’ve been cutting back on bad behaviors (no more glasses of wine with and after dinner, and no more venti cappuccinos) and when I start perking up again, I’m gonna go bananas on that Clutter Kick 2010!

For now, I want to share with you my deepest held opinions. Some of which I’ve always meant to blog about, and in some cases have already, and some of which I never intended to reveal on here. Case in point, number one:

I am pro-abortion. Yep, I think all women should have at least one. Kidding! But I can get really angry about the pro-life/pro-choice dichotomy. For anti-abortionists to call themselves pro-life implies that all of us people who think it ain’t nobody’s business what a woman chooses to do with her body are, what? pro-death? pro-abortion? Furthermore, I hope you all realize that abortion is just a ruse to cover up way more important issues going on in government during elections. That’s what really gets my goat.

I don’t believe that Autism is caused by immunization shots. From what I’ve read, there was only one research study done that made that connection between the two, and it was later proven false (I’m making a bold assertion here, I’ll hunt around for the sources to support my statement if necessary). Second, Autistic children tend to develop normally for many months to a few years before they start to show signs of autism, so if your child suddenly appears to be autistic after a shot - it wasn’t the shot - it was happening already.

I don’t believe in raw food diets. Sure, we shouldn’t cook our vegetables to mush, or eat charred foods, but as Alton Brown points out (this, according to my husband) cooking begins the breakdown process of some foods, which aids in digestion and absorption of nutrients. This invention allowed humans to spend less time preparing and digesting food.

I do believe in slow food. Just because I like that cooking helps me digest food and that it speeds up the process of preparing palatable foods, doesn’t mean I’m against spending time in the kitchen making food a an integral part of culture. Ironically, we don’t spend enough time on food in America. We were not made to eat pseudo-food while running from one commitment to the next. Food should be a focal point for relaxing and bonding with families. We should eat whole, organic, local foods, and make more things from scratch.

I don’t believe in factory and industrial farming. I’m thrilled that the “Green” movement is finally catching up with this and other environmental and social facts, but I’ve known this stuff was harmful for our bodies and the world since I was twelve. Why is is so difficult for people to think critically about what goes on around them? Once agriculture became big business, we were all screwed. Remember the four food groups?! We were told that milk products should be one quarter of our diet and that all meat products should comprise another quarter! Connected to this:

I don’t believe that humans should drink cow’s milk or that we need as much protein as we’ve been lead to believe. Look, I love cheese and yogurt. But as for drinking glass upon glass of milk. That’s just BS. We are told that we need the calcium in milk, yet cows milk has other stuff (that’s a scientific term) which actually prevents the absorption of that calcium! Leave it for the baby cows.

I believe that savers are losers. The American dollar is losing value faster than you can earn 5% interest on it. Poor and middle class people in America must pay taxes that rich investors are exempt from. The only way to get ahead in our economy is to play the game. You must be an entrepreneur and, or real estate investor if you want your money to grow and to be free from the very real fear of not having enough to retire on.

I believe that marijuana should be legalized. Get over it. It’s a plant. Sure people shouldn’t drive, or work while on it, but they shouldn’t be driving or working while drunk either. Alcohol is far more dangerous to our bodies and lives than marijuana. Plus, marijuana has been proven to help people manage the pain of chronic or terminal illnesses where other medications have failed. Alcohol can’t do that, in fact it causes deaths, but it is legal.

Finally, as I’ve said on here before: I think that it’s a load of crap that woman can have successful careers and be successful mothers. Society isn’t set up to support that yet. Yes, we can go out and succeed in the career world, but not often with kids. With kids, women take hits in pay and seniority that men with children do not. Some women are very successful. Often they have family money and advantages to begin with. But the 10% of high achieving career women do not represent the capabilities of all women. I, myself, do not have the constitution to fight this battle. So, go to work while your babies are young! “Stay home” for several years - or forever - I don’t care! But stop spreading the lie that woman have attained equality in the workplace. Things are changing, yes - we are even starting to see men “stay at home.” But it ain’t finished yet, and it’s a choice in which each woman must balance the sacrifices for herself. We cannot have, or do, it all.

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Thank you to all of my visitors from Blogtrotting. It was a pleasure to be a tour guide. I really do love this city and my neighborhood and I had to cut out a lot to keep the length of the post down. But the chance to host the Denver Blogtrot has come at the perfect time for me, since my husband and I will be moving to Montrose, CO this summer. While running around with my camera, struggling to get photos of all my favorite places in time for the post, I realized that I’d like to get more pictures of Denver before I have to leave. So I’ll be keeping my camera on me from now on.

In other news, my phone is working fine now after the drowning it had a couple of weeks ago. I took the cover off and then stuck it in rice for 24 hours. I also managed found my missing watch after sticking using it as a bookmark two weeks ago and forgetting about it.

Recently, I got a motivational decluttering book from the library after listening to Sandra Felton speak about her Messies Handbook on a podcast. I then promptly lost it. My sister says, “See that’s how it works! It gets lost so that you have to declutter to find it.” And today, I finally found it under the couch. I swear, there must really be fairies in my house messing with me because I had looked there several times and NOTHING was there! It’s bare under there except for a few dust bunnies. And then, today, there it was!

Anyway, I’m glad I’ve found it because I’m really going through a difficult time clutter-wise, and it’s affecting my emotional and physical health. I’m ready to dig myself out! So tune into The Joyful Housewife the next couple of days to hear about my Clutter Kick 2009.

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Hello BlogTrotters!

Welcome to the mile high city (5,280 feet)! More specifically, though, welcome to the Potter Highlands. Aside from Denver’s Coors Field, Invesco Field, zoo, aquarium, botanic gardens, art museum, and Six Flags Elitch Gardens, Denver has many attractive neighborhoods. We’ll concentrate on my own, the historic Potter Highlands.

This beautiful and historic neighborhood is populated with colorful Craftsman and Victorian style houses.

Above is a Bed & Breakfast down the street from my house: The Lumber Baron.

Please click here to read the rest of my Denver tour - and to see lots more pictures!

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Last year, my older sister spent months learning about smart phones with the idea that we could get mom one to help with losing things and paper clutter, and that she and I would also get one so that we can help mom use it. We went with the Palm Centro for various reasons (namely, that it didn’t require the $35 a month data plan) and I’ve spent several hours over the phone guiding my mom through its many uses (as well as helping her move from a PC to her new MacBook). She is finally coming around to liking it - it is not the simplest phone to use - but it has great capabilities.

Last night on my way to bed, my phone slid off the couch into a tall glass of water! It was very surreal. I had felt something slide of the couch when I was getting up, and heard a strange noise, so I turned around to see my phone completely submerged in a tall, wide Collins glass full to the brim with water. I actually heard it go GLUG! GLUG! GLUG! before I got my brain to tell my hand to fish it out and begin frantically wiping it dry. I so badly wanted to take a picture for my blog (!) but I knew I had to hurry. I tore of the back and left the pieces lying out to dry. This morning I realized that I hadn’t removed the SIM card, but it seems to be okay, as I put it in my ancient, primitive, Cingular phone that I used up until I got this one.

Then today, when I finally got a hold of all my loved ones through Gmail and Facebook, I learned that the thing to do is to put it in a bowl of rice to draw out the moisture. I hope it works.

Picture via popularmechanics.com. Click on photo to learn how it works.

I would have taken a picture of my own phone, but I left my camera battery charger at mom’s house in California when I was there over Christmas and haven’t gotten it back yet. It’s always something.

I hope this works. I’ll let you all know.

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Here I am, tired on a busy morning. I have tons of school work and cleaning to accomplish before we go off skiing for the weekend. (This is our third year in Colorado, and only the first year we have skied, because we’re usually just barely getting through the week, without adding a lot of driving and exercise to the mix.)

But when I get myself to make coffee, put on some music, and this adorable apron that my talented little sister made me for a wedding, gift doing dishes without a dishwasher becomes a lot more tolerable. Almost fun! (Okay, that’s a lie!)

I love my pink dish gloves and various aprons. Aprons are especially important for me because we’ve lost the little round thingy that goes on the end of the faucet to direct the flow of water, so I always end up completely soaked in the front after doing dishes by hand. (I’ve also managed to break about 15 glasses this year. Housework is not my strong suit!!!!!! Hence, my extreme need for motivational attire.)

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It’s been abut six months since I received my Clutterer’s Anonymous Starter Kit and I finally opened it up yesterday read through the materials, and put each page in a separate sheet protector in a new binder. I ordered the kit for $15 because there are no face-to-face meetings here in Denver and I thought I might start one myself. Hoarding has been in the news a lot lately, and we’ve been struggling with it personally, in my family. I’m trying to decide whether I have enough time to try to start a CLA group here in Denver before my husband and I move for his job. I’d like to spread the network of support. I think fellowship for people with similar problems has the potential to be very helpful.

After I went through the material, I called my mom and had a circuitous, roller-coaster-of-emotion conversation, that began and ended well. She is exhausted from our recent trip out there (in which we sorted through unbelievable amounts of stuff) and she is quite depressed. (I also suffer from bouts of depression and am suffering from my own mishap this week, in which I accidentally took my sleeping pill for two days instead of one of my antidepressants! Doh!)

The issue that made our phone conversation so difficult yesterday was as follows: Mom was able to accept the label of hoarder for a time, but now it makes her feel very bad. Strangely enough, it was she who first labeled herself as a hoarder! I remember speaking to her on the phone a couple of years ago when she pointed me towards a Compulsive Hoarding website and some articles.  But, it is difficult to find a balance between giving a problem a name so that you can treat it, and giving it a label which is counter productive. I think with all of the current publicity about hoarding, she doesn’t want to be seen, even in her own eyes, as being like those people on tv.

Don’t be mislead by my somber tone! I’m very excited about the possibility of starting a new CLA group in Denver and I am quite grateful for the time that we have been able to spend together working on mom’s storage units and talking about our hopes for her future. It’s just that the issue of dealing with hoarding, or with a recovering hoarder, is complicated for a family and it is a constant struggle for everyone in the family to reach common ground on this issue. There is no one right way to do it, and what is acceptable one day is not going to work on another day.

So I’m trying to move more in the direction of talking about chronic disorganization and excessive cluttering. Cluttering which is out of one’s control and has a negative affect on one’s life, possibly interfering with use of certain areas of the home. CLA is a 12 step program, modeled after AA, and is not for everyone. My mom does not find it helpful. I might give it a try though.

Oh, and as for the title of this post - I truly believe that Life is not a race!!! It may have taken me a long time to finish my education, to get married, to have kids (haven’t actually done that yet), to start a “career” (nor have I actually done that), to open the CLA packet, but what is the hurry? Life is the process, not the product. I like who I am and where I am right now. I don’t need to have “accomplished” more than I have, or to have reached any milestones quicker than I have.

This is especially true with getting control of chronic disorganization or compulsive hoarding. Some family members just want to throw out a lot of mom’s stuff without sorting through it, but if we race through the process, we won’t have lasting results. There needs to be an inner change as well as an outer one.

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