The Joyful Housewife

It’s been abut six months since I received my Clutterer’s Anonymous Starter Kit and I finally opened it up yesterday read through the materials, and put each page in a separate sheet protector in a new binder. I ordered the kit for $15 because there are no face-to-face meetings here in Denver and I thought I might start one myself. Hoarding has been in the news a lot lately, and we’ve been struggling with it personally, in my family. I’m trying to decide whether I have enough time to try to start a CLA group here in Denver before my husband and I move for his job. I’d like to spread the network of support. I think fellowship for people with similar problems has the potential to be very helpful.

After I went through the material, I called my mom and had a circuitous, roller-coaster-of-emotion conversation, that began and ended well. She is exhausted from our recent trip out there (in which we sorted through unbelievable amounts of stuff) and she is quite depressed. (I also suffer from bouts of depression and am suffering from my own mishap this week, in which I accidentally took my sleeping pill for two days instead of one of my antidepressants! Doh!)

The issue that made our phone conversation so difficult yesterday was as follows: Mom was able to accept the label of hoarder for a time, but now it makes her feel very bad. Strangely enough, it was she who first labeled herself as a hoarder! I remember speaking to her on the phone a couple of years ago when she pointed me towards a Compulsive Hoarding website and some articles.  But, it is difficult to find a balance between giving a problem a name so that you can treat it, and giving it a label which is counter productive. I think with all of the current publicity about hoarding, she doesn’t want to be seen, even in her own eyes, as being like those people on tv.

Don’t be mislead by my somber tone! I’m very excited about the possibility of starting a new CLA group in Denver and I am quite grateful for the time that we have been able to spend together working on mom’s storage units and talking about our hopes for her future. It’s just that the issue of dealing with hoarding, or with a recovering hoarder, is complicated for a family and it is a constant struggle for everyone in the family to reach common ground on this issue. There is no one right way to do it, and what is acceptable one day is not going to work on another day.

So I’m trying to move more in the direction of talking about chronic disorganization and excessive cluttering. Cluttering which is out of one’s control and has a negative affect on one’s life, possibly interfering with use of certain areas of the home. CLA is a 12 step program, modeled after AA, and is not for everyone. My mom does not find it helpful. I might give it a try though.

Oh, and as for the title of this post - I truly believe that Life is not a race!!! It may have taken me a long time to finish my education, to get married, to have kids (haven’t actually done that yet), to start a “career” (nor have I actually done that), to open the CLA packet, but what is the hurry? Life is the process, not the product. I like who I am and where I am right now. I don’t need to have “accomplished” more than I have, or to have reached any milestones quicker than I have.

This is especially true with getting control of chronic disorganization or compulsive hoarding. Some family members just want to throw out a lot of mom’s stuff without sorting through it, but if we race through the process, we won’t have lasting results. There needs to be an inner change as well as an outer one.

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This was Casey yesterday. I found him nearly sliding down behind the couch pillow, belly up, fast asleep. He woke up when I got out the camera. And now I am here, sick on the couch again.

It is time to be getting ready to go home to California for Christmas. This has always been a bit of a stressful vacation because of my mom’s illness. But it’s been getting worse, so this year my older sister is coming out for the second time this year (and the second time in a decade) so us sisters can all help mom get rid of stuff.

You may remember our first hoard-busting trip last summer. Now it is time to continue the journey.

I need to be doing laundry and packing, but after spending the past two days grading papers, I feel I deserve one casual relaxation day before I go to California to meet my sisters at my mother’s house and deal with Part Two of the Hoard-Bust-a-Thon.

But first a couple pictures of my kitchen for me to look at while I’m away.

I need to get up off my bum and get some stuff done. My flight leaves tomorrow afternoon and I’d like to be finished packing tonight so I can spend the morning with my husband before I go.

I’ll do my best to post while I’m there. I’d really like to post more about the actual process of dealing with a  family member who is trying to recover from compulsive hoarding, but unless you are on A & E’s Hoarders, which I KNOW you all have seen by now (how odd that something that made me self-conscious and different my whole life, became a TV show the very same year I discovered that there was a real name and therapy for it!) it can be very difficult to betray someone’s privacy. While going out there and helping mom is MY life and something I’d very much like to blog about in detail, it is HER house and HER stuff, and I have to be respectful of her right to not have photos of it posted all over the internet.

So, argh!

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One habit I’ve developed since I’ve been married is honest communication in the moment. I’ve learning not to hold on to negative feelings over something that I could have solved immediately.

For example, I’ve been really interested in cluttering-hoarding since we’ve gone out to help my mom last month. While there we found out that there is a group called Clutterer’s Anonymous, which works on extreme cluttering problems with an adapted version of the twelve steps from AA. I’ve been bummed that there are not meetings in the city I live in, but was encouraged by the California group to start my own. All it takes is $15 to get a packet which explains how to get members and hold meetings.

So when my husband and I went out to dinner at the close of a long and hard month for both of us, I told him about what a great experience it was going to the CLA meeting. When he asked if I’m thinking about going to one here, I informed him that there aren’t any, but that I’m considering starting my own.

And what was his response? “Are you sure you can handle that?”

At this point an old me may have shut down, gotten pouty and teary, and would not have been able to hold a conversation for the rest of dinner, etc.

Instead I didn’t feel bad at all, I said, “Hey now, it’s not your job to tell me I can’t do something, but to encourage me and be my cheerleader!” I added, “I know that you only say that because you care for me and don’t want to see me take on more projects than I can handle and get overwhelmed, but let me explain how that is not the case here.”

And honesty about my feelings worked in that moment. I explained to him how it’s actually pretty easy to start and hold these meetings and that it’s hardly any work at all, and not a burden, but instead something very motivating for me - I’ve learned recently at Weight Watchers meetings, that there is just something about meeting with a group of people weekly, who are in the same boat, that motivates you like nothing else.

After I explained more about it, he was totally on my side. The whole thing which could have turned into a huge argument between us, was solved quickly and easily. And the point is, he wasn’t getting down on me or trying to hold me back. He doesn’t believe that I’m not a capable person; he’s not mean and abusive (heavens no!). He just cares about me and doesn’t want to see me take on more than I can handle. He’s seen me at my worst and therefore, just as it’s his job to encourage me and believe in me, it’s also his job to caution me and remind me to think about things carefully before I dive in.

And I’m at a place where I can notice and remember where he’s coming from before I react to words that are not the whole story.

There are so many moments in life with a spouse that can go either way - huge fight or honest communication.

There have been many times when my husband has unwittingly said something to hurt my feelings. Instead of holding resentments against him and treating him badly in response, I tell him immediately that the specific thing he has said makes me feel bad. So far, this has always brought resolution. And, of course, I’ve often said things which I can tell have upset him - he won’t tell me that, but I can usually figure it out by his mood and silence - or else it is so apparent, I know the moment it comes out of my mouth. In these cases, I immediately apologize and tell him I would never purposefully hurt him, and that I should not have said whatever just came out of my mouth.

So I’d love to hear stories about your experiences. Can you identify any instances in which you’ve reacted negatively to what your husband has said to you, but instead of telling him that it has upset you and why, you become passive aggressive, or stubborn, or any number of negative behaviors that could have been prevented?

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In my last post I finally brought up my mother’s hoarding problem - which was the original raison d’etre of this blog (see my About Page). On our journey we have discovered two invaluable books that will help all of us work through the emotions and reasons behind the obsessive collecting. Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding, by Fugen Neziroglu, Ph.D., Jerome Bubrick, Ph. D., Ph. D., Jose A. Yaryura-Tobias, MD and Buried in Treasures: Help for Compulsive Acquiring, Saving, and Hoarding, by David F. Tolin, Randy O, Frost, and Gail Steketee.

They are both excellent resources for recovery from this particular affliction, and we are buying both books for mom and each of us sisters. 

They aren’t like your average, ubiquitous clutter-busting books, which talk about organizing and getting rid of stuff, but don’t really help the person with a bonafide compulsive hoarding problem. These books have proven techniques for getting to the root(s) of the problem: the emotional issues and erroneous beliefs that cause behaviors of acquiring and not throwing away to get out of hand.

We’ve also found a website - Clutterer’s Anonymous - which has lists for face-to-face suport groups as well as other resources. My sister and her good friend (whose mother we have recently discovered has the SAME PROBLEM!) took my mother to a meeting last Saturday and said that it was great. I’m so excited to hear what it was like and how it went!!!

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I’m staging an intervention for myself. I’ve just turned 30 and I’m still so domestically challenged that I often just give up. I’m one of those leave it for weeks until the in-laws are coming types of people.

And I don’t want to be like this anymore.

Who isn’t happier when she has a clean, fresh home?

My husband and I don’t own a home yet and we don’t yet have children. We plan to change both of those things within the next 5 years. I’m lucky to have a husband who enjoys cooking - when I’m trying my darnedest to learn to enjoy it. I want to give back to my family.

And one more thing: I am the child of a compulsive hoarder. You may have seen the episodes about this phenomenon on Oprah. It’s just as bad as it looks. Thus, I have my work cut out for me!

I want to learn to keep my house clean, fresh, inviting, and cozy.

I’m 30 years old and I vow to change my domestic ways.

It is obvious to me that if I can do this anyone can!

So join me on my journey. Offer me encouragement. Ask me to post photos of my house so that I am accountable. Learn from my mistakes and share your best tips with me.

As I turn over a new leaf, I vow to make journey more fun than chore - if that is even possible!

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